Long time no see.

Hai again, Xanga.

I always rant to you about my boyfriends / situations because I know only the few of you I trust actually know about this.  I don't have a voice on Myspace because the whole world is watching, so I thought maybe I'd come back to safety and let you guys know how much things have changed without actually saying anything to get myself in trouble.

The marriage thing, you guys already would have guessed didn't work.  You've been with me and there for me through all the rest of the breakups..  And honestly as we discussed it I always figured I'd see it ending sooner or later, just didn't really want it to be sooner because I felt like I was condemned to never find anything better anyway, may as well be so-so than have nothing.

I'm so fucking masochistic sometimes.

So yeah, divorcing.  Larry comes home soon, and I will be leaving soon.  Funny, the day I looked forward to for over a year - him coming home to me - is still the day I look forward to, but for a different reason.  I look forward to him coming home because it means that I will finally be done being haunted by him, when I meet him face to face and know it is over and I can breathe.

I look forward to that day because I'll know for sure that if something doesn't work with the divorce papers by then, that we will at least be able to do it in person and get it over with. 

But most of all, I look forward to it because it will mean for certain I'll be able to move on and really be loved, really feel love again.  I'm so ready for that, that I hurt for it really badly and I feel very caged and helpless.  I just don't want to be in this cage alone anymore.

I'm confused - is it right for me?  Or is it just a dream?

I just saw Charlie's Xanga - didn't know he had one until I came back and it pulled my email friendlist.  I broke his heart and never realized it, never knew he felt the way he wrote there.  Never knew he actually cared.  I feel really bad about that, and I want to say something, because he put up this tough facade and made me think he hated and despised me, but deep down he said that he missed waking up next to me and giving me a kiss in the morning, teaching and playing with Seth.  It was sweet that anyone misses that about me, and I never thought it would be him.  If I try to make it right it'd just open a can of worms or hurt him worse;  best left alone. 

Momento Mori

Ahhh.. Update

Wow, it's been a while.  Yes, I am still working as Applications Programmer for Exceptional Home Care - Only the pay is actually $13 an hour, and I'm working remotely, from Georgia.  Me and Larry married, moved 900 miles away, bought a new SUV, and planned another baby!  I'm now 4 months pregnant, waiting to find out gender until Larry comes out of his Iraq simulator in the California desert for training.

Whew!  Time Flies!  I also still work for Stanford at $65 an hour but really haven't been doing much with my own business except for the occassional side jobs for my favorite clients - Otherwise I generally don't bother as I've got my hands pretty well full as it is.

We had a puppy, she died from the pet food recall.  :(  We also have two Siberian Dwarf [tiny] hamsters in a two-story luxury hamster cage and two hermit crabs as well.  And another pet on the way!

Our second baby will be due September 27th, but Larry will be leaving for Iraq in June or July so you guys may see me updating more often out of desperation, or you can always keep tabs on me at my Myspace Blog.

Oh, also in the last entry Larry was still dismounted [front lines] infantry.  Now he is actually gunner in a tank, which is usually reserved for Sergeants, so he's a bit safer!  Moving on up!

Been a long time

Umyeah, so I realize I haven't updated this thing in forever.  I'm caught up in the myspace madness.

I'm not dating Charlie anymore-  Actually Larry finished boot camp a few weeks ago and I went to get him and bring him home.  I always hated the US Military, but I will say that I'm proud of how it shaped Larry into a really all around good guy.  It's amazing how much it changed him.

We're talking eloping before he goes back, possibly during my lunch today.  Shh!  It's a secret, I haven't told anyone yet.  We've waited too freaking long, too much shit has got in the way, and now he's cut all those ties and fixed all the problems we've had.  He's stationed in Georgia, ships out for a year and a half to Iraq in January, front lines infantry, but then he doesn't ever have to go back again.  I'm thinking of joining him out there before he deploys, but I'm not sure how it will effect my sparkly new $11 / hour job with benefits.  It's so nice to have additional steady income that I'm afraid to lose it.  I'm not sure if I'm lucky enough to have them let me work remotely, but possibly so.  Applications Programmer - sounds so freaking cool.

Ah, better get back to work.

Counting my blessings

So... I'm dating this super cool dude named Charles

POSSIBLY about to close on a 9-room house with two kitchens and two stories

Just got a package in the mail from Heather with a shitload of cool stuff in it

Larry's in basic training now and he gave me his truck

I have pretty smelling candles

I'm drinking some cool fuscia-coloured Egyptian hibiscus / mint tea

AND I'm negotiating to get $1000 back on buying the house.

I'm so afraid to be excited or get my hopes up, but it's all bubbling up inside me and driving me insane!!!!

i've kinda lost interest in you, diary.

if you want to hear my thoughts, check out my myspace.

http://myspace.com/r0ckdiva